To begin anew. Sometimes we are thrown into it, and other times we willingly walk into it. Either way, it can be an anxiety-provoking experience because it involves taking a risk, leaving what’s comfortable, learning something new, fear of the vulnerability it creates, fear of making mistakes, the possibility of failing, and being a fool. All of these reasons and many more keep us from taking that leap of faith. Often we are waiting for the right time, to see the start line or a whistle to blow. Whatever the case may be, it can feel like we are standing on glue, completely immobile. 

So what will it take to take that first step? The question I often return to is, who will you be if you don’t? Then there is this. “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Paulo Coelho wrote these beautiful words in his book The Alchemist. I choose to believe this to be true. A caterpillar turns into a butterfly, a rosebud blooms to a beautiful rose, an acorn becomes an oak tree, and you become, well, who knows until we grow towards it. We are guided by universal intelligence, a blueprint, if you will, for transformation. It’s in our DNA to evolve whether we choose to embrace it or not. We might be the only being on the planet (I know of) who shows any hesitation in this matter. Imagine what the world would be like if a sunflower bud decides it wants to be an orchid or chooses not to blossom at all. Sounds ridiculous I know, but human beings are the only ones who refuse to be themselves. 

So what does this mean for us? Well, I think we all have our unique blueprints to follow to complete our life cycle. We all have our hero’s journey to take. We have to go through various phases, demons we have to encounter, and challenges we have to overcome. The trail won’t always be forgiving, but there will always be valleys to offer you breaks from the peaks and shades to give you solace from the sun. There will be signs, though they might not be loud or dramatic, but frequently subtle. So find some solitude, take comfort in the shade, listen to the whispers of your intuition, follow your instincts, and pay attention to your world. 

Please don’t take this as a how-to guide, as this has been simply my experience. About a year ago, I had made my six-year-old son some flashcards in an attempt to help him learn to read as part of my “How to combat the educational deficit during COVID19 plan.” My family and I relocated to the Big Island of Hawaii from Oahu at the beginning of the pandemic. Amidst the frenzied decluttering and packing phase, I had gotten rid of these flashcards. A few months went by, and I found a single card at the bottom of one of the suitcases. I’ll come back to the card, but I will take a bit of a detour here, so stay with me.

I moved to the Big Island from Oahu for my husband’s career. Though we have talked about moving there eventually, I wasn’t quite prepared to say goodbye to my life on Oahu. I lived there for almost eight years, and it was the first time I felt at home since immigrating from India over twenty-five years ago. At the foothills of the Ko’olau mountains, I had created my sanctuary, a family, and a life filled with friends, food, music, beautiful beaches, hiking trails, a career, and everything else I had dearly tended to for the past eight years. It broke my heart to say goodbye to that home. It felt as though I had lost a sense of grounding and identity, a feeling I was all too familiar with as an immigrant. I kicked and screamed at the thought of adjusting to the Big Island and starting over. I found myself having no motivation, no energy, and no inspiration.

Yes, I was entering the realm of depression, though I was too proud to call it that at that time. I did my best to get out of bed, take a shower, make meals, homeschool my son, and play with him, all the while feeling like I had a 1000lb cannonball chained to my ankle. There was a heaviness that loomed over me. I finally decided to reach out to a dear friend. She listened to me, consoled me, saw me, and said something that liberated me. “You sound depressed, Sangeetha.” A sigh of relief. That was it. That’s all it took. It took someone to notice and acknowledge my pain for me to drop into my experience instead of fighting it. Consciously feeling my feeling changed everything. It gave back the energy I was using to fight the feelings. I was tethered to my life on Oahu, and I wanted to hold on to that comfort so tightly that I was beginning to get rope burn. It was time to let go. And that gave me the energy I needed to move forward.

I digress, but right around that time, I found the flashcard in my suitcase. Every molecule inside me became a camera, still and focused. I picked up the card and turned it over, and it read, “Begin.” Another sigh of relief. So, I did. Call it coincidence; call it whatever you want, but I chose to call it synchronicity. I sat in the stillness of my sadness, paid attention to the whispers, and decided to indulge in my curiosity. I began working towards a long-time dream of mine. I started setting up my private practice. I crossed all the Ts and dotted all the Is and got myself an office with zero prospects. Perhaps not the best financially informed move; nevertheless, it felt so good to move and refocus. I solicited guidance and inspiration from my colleagues, friends, therapist, mentors, and family. I listened to Carrie Fisher’s words of wisdom to Meryl Streep, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.” I had to learn to hold my grief and use the energy to move towards the next phase of my life. 

The truth is we all have to begin somewhere. There are a hundred reasons not to start something. I know because I’ve used about half of them. Remain focused on that one reason that keeps you going, keeps you coming back for more, that keeps you up at night. As the saying goes, “every journey begins with a single step.” Why am I sharing all this, you might wonder. I don’t know, or maybe to remind you that you are not alone in this.  The whole universe is in support of you becoming.

PS: As I am writing this, I am peeking into another curious doorway.  I have never shared anything I’ve written with anyone, EVER, but that’s a story for another day:) For now, I am moving, and it feels so damn good.